


Lycophobia

by Scho_s



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Canon Era, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Flashbacks, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), More tags later, Self-Harm, Suicide attempt in chapter 6, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:34:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27307798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scho_s/pseuds/Scho_s
Summary: Lycophobia:(Noun, uncountable)1. (rare) Fear of wolves.Professor Lupin is tired, oh so tired. He just wants everything to end.NOTE: This story is currently not a priority so expect slow updates
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. Life Goes On

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally posted until chapter 7 on Wattpad but I lost interest in it. When I finally found the motivation to finish this piece, I found that I could no longer access my Wattpad account. I gathered what I could from my notes and posted it here! Normally I hate posting works before they're finished but the draft was about to expire so here we are.

** 1\. Life goes on - REMUS **

Behind the amber colored eyes that sparkled softly with joy, and light brown hair that already had some grey specks in it, lied a whole other person. A person who wasn't as happy as he faked, a person who had entirely given up on life. 

Professor Remus John Lupin wasn't as joyful as he seemed. Sure, he was smiling during feasts, after all, those were the first decent meals he's had in years. He had fun in the classroom, teaching his students new things in a creative way, but behind those smiles hid a thousand lies. 

He may look calm and reserved, in his mind he's one step away from losing his temper, the inner wolf threatening to take over. He may act as if the Slytherins comments on his tattered robes didn't hurt, but they sure did. It brought him back to his years at Hogwarts. Even as a kid he always had robes and books that were second hand, and again the Slytherins bullied him for it. He could not help that he was shunned for what he was deep within, for something he could not control. 

He may act as if he's content with life, but.. He sure is not.

Before Dumbledore offered him this job, Remus was living in poverty. Hardly ever getting something to eat, he was - and still is - he doesn't gain weight that easily - as thin as a stick, and always looked pale and sick. He couldn't find a job with his condition, people didn't want to hire a werewolf. He went to abandoned houses for his monthly transformation, and locked himself up there while he was a monster. Otherwise he lived in an old cottage that he could barely afford, that was even closer to falling apart than Remus himself. 

When the headmaster offered him the place as a D.A.D.A. teacher, he didn't want to accept at first. He didn't want to endanger kids and other teachers. He didn't want to bother Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey again. And he sure as hell didn't want to encounter Snape. But Dumbledore offered him a limitless supply of the new Wolfsbane potion, a potion that made him keep his human mind during full moons. It took Dumbledore several tries to convince him, but at the end he took the job. And now he's glad he did. He hasn't attacked anyone in his wolf form (yet?), and the students seem to love him, that is, except for the Slytherins. 

But Remus knew better than anyone what would happen if the school found at that he's... This beast. 

He'd be forced to resign, before the angry parents would send howlers and letters to the school for letting a dangerous werewolf near their kids. Snape would laugh at him, right in his face. That after all these years of being below the Marauders, now he'd be above them. 

And Remus would end up as a starving, filthy, pathetic person. When he can't take small jobs anymore, and can't find a normal job as well, he'd be unable to pay rent and buy food. He'll end up on the streets and starve to death, if not freeze to death. Even though, he believes, that's what he deserves.

And so life goes on, Professor Lupin trying to hide his secret, to save his own life.


	2. Snape's Lesson

**2\. Snape's Lesson - HERMIONE**

Hermione, who is known around school as being the brightest witch of her age, really lives up to her reputation. Today she has figured out one of her teacher's biggest secret.

Professor Lupin is a werewolf. 

She'd had been suspicious of his perfectly timed, monthly disappearances, but it wasn't until Snape's lesson and the research needed for his homework that she had been sure, it all fit together.

Professor Lupin was always sick before and after the full moon. At times he almost looked like a corpse, thin, eyes reddened, deep in the skull with dark circles underneath, pale skin. He looked in a lot of pain, like every movement hurt. And he probably looked as dizzy as he felt; she had seen him get up, and immediately sit down again and take his head in his scarred hands. He always took the day off before a transformation too.

Talking about scars, the professor had a lot. Hermione could only see the ones on his face and hands but could imagine what lies beneath the covering clothing. She felt sorry for him, she could absolutely believe the amount of bullying he might have gone through. Students could be so mean to each other. After a transformation - she had checked the lunar charts - he always came back with another few scars added. Harry said that he had seen him in the hospital a time or two as well. 

His boggart was a full moon. That's right! All the other students thought it was a crystal ball but.. Why would a professor be scared of a crystal ball? Perhaps he is scared of the future and it symbolizes it? That would still be quite far-fetched.

Last but not least, the morning in the Hogwarts express. It was the first time they'd seen him, and the first thing they noticed was how tired and worn-out he looked. She had checked the lunar cycle again, and indeed, the night before had been a full moon. It was perhaps a bit scary to realize that the same tired, old looking professor had been a dangerous beast a few hours before.

She had no issue with this though, Lupin is a great teacher, nice to everyone, and gives interesting classes. It certainly isn't that he's as dangerous and risking as many students' lives like the previous two teachers. Based on this, she had decided not to spill his secret. Hermione knew well enough what that would mean for him; he'd be fired, and probably never find another job again, mainly because of the strict acts around werewolves. And by the looks of him, he needs every single sickle he can get. She did decide to go confront him about it. Tonight's the full moon, if she's quick enough she can speak to him before his transformation. She wants to get this off her chest as quick as possible, and maybe if he's tired, he'll admit faster. 

With that in mind, Hermione made her way to the defense against the dark arts classroom, though she wasn't sure if she'll find Lupin there, it was quite after dinner and students were supposed to be going to their dorms around this time, meaning professors might not be in their classrooms. She decided to try anyway and knocked on the closed door. 

It took a while, Hermione got worried if he wasn't there it all, but suddenly came a tired voice, "come in!" She recognized it as Lupin's, though it was softer and he sounded exhausted. She cautiously pushed the door open, and entered the room. 

The professor seemed surprised to see her here. He stood up shakily, pushing himself up on the creaking desk. 

"Yes, Hermione? You're not supposed to be here at this hour. Is something the matter?" He asked, worry clouding his eyes as he cautiously came closer to her.

"Please professor, I just had a question." She said quickly, she knew it was late, and she did not want to get locked in with a full-grown werewolf.

Professor Lupin retreated back to his desk, leaning against it. "Is it urgent?" An acceptable distance between them. He was visibly tired, heavily depending on the desk, he appeared too exhausted to stand on his own.

"Um, I guess? Please, sir!" She practically begged him with her eyes, she needed to know.

"Well then, ask away, Hermione." 

She took this as her cue to ask what she had so desperately wanted to know for sure.

"Professor, are you..," she paused and took a deep breath, Lupin looked at her suspiciously, "are you a werewolf?" 

Remus seemed visibly shocked by her question, he certainly hadn't expected that someone would've figured it out so quickly. His eyes widened and already pale face lost all blood flow.

"I don't-" he started, but he knew there was no arguing. She knew. "Hermione, please get out." He pointed towards the open door. She started resisting, trying to get him to admit.

"Get out! You don't want- I don't want you to see me like- ... As a monster. Please, just go." His voice got softer the longer he spoke. He sounded utterly defeated. Hermione nodded, knowing that she got her answer and turned to leave. Before she was completely out of the room, she turned around and said:

"I don't think you're a monster, professor." 

With that she took her leave. She did not see the beast he became shortly after.


	3. Questions Unanswered

**3\. Questions Unanswered - REMUS**

Remus John Lupin is exhausted. So exhausted. 

He sat at his desk, head in hands, breathing in and out loudly, trying to calm his nerves. Tonight's a full moon. He certainly was not ready for it. Lupin gathered all his courage and took a large sip from the vial containing his Wolfsbane potion, wincing at how disgusting it was. Before he had everything down however, he heard a knock on the door. He looked around in a panic, not knowing who it could be at this hour. He hoped it was Minerva, she truly was a worthy colleague, never discriminating against him, even though she knew of his condition. 

He swallowed some more of the potion, nearly spitting it all out again. With a soft voice he said: "come in." He really wasn't up for any visitors, he just wanted to spend the night in peace. As much peace as you can have as a werewolf. 

The door opened to reveal a Gryffindor girl, Hermione, he knew. He came closer to her, surely there must be something wrong? Otherwise she wouldn't appear at this hour, much less to him.

"Yes, Hermione? You're not supposed to be here at this hour. Is something the matter?" He asked, worry clouding his eyes as he cautiously came closer to her. He let his fingertips trail the surface of the desks as he passed rows and rows. 

She replied that she had a question, but Remus could see in her eyes and body movement that she simply already knew the answer. This only worried him more.

"Is it urgent?" He asked, getting frustrated. He didn't have time for this now, in less than an hour the moon would shine through. It's way too dangerous for her to be near him now. He retreated back to his desk. He felt as if his legs just couldn't carry his weight anymore, like they were to buckle out from under him at any moment. She begged him though, to let her ask her question, and who was he to deny her that? He gave her permission and she asked the question he least of all wanted to hear.

"Professor, are you..," she paused and took a deep breath, which only raised his suspicions, "are you a werewolf?" 

Remus breathed in sharply, his heart seemed like it was going to pound out of his chest. He was sure she could hear it. 

"I don't-" he started to deny, though knowing that she clearly already knew.

"Hermione, please get out." He lifted his heavy arm and pointed towards the door. She started resisting, wanting her answer, but he didn't want to deal with her right now.

"Get out! You don't want- I don't want you to see me like- ... As a monster. Please, just go." His voice got softer the longer he spoke. He sounded utterly defeated. He truly was.

Hermione nodded, knowing that she got her answer and turned to leave. Before she was completely out of the room, she turned around and said:

"I don't think you're a monster, professor." 

With that she took her leave.

Remus was shocked, not only because someone had figured out his biggest secret already, but also because she didn't think of him as a monster. Surely she's just an exception. The other students would probably be creeped out by having a werewolf as teacher. It was best that no one else knew, and he hoped that Hermione would keep it a secret. He couldn't bare to lose this job as well.

Shock turned into frustration. How is it possible that she already knew? Sure, she's exceptionally bright, but he covered up his tracks really well! Snape's probably behind it, he did offer to take over Lupin's lesson. He knew that the git still hated him, even after all those years.

Remus turned around, suddenly filled with newfound energy. He stood up - knocking his chair over in the process - and smacked the still almost-full vial on the ground. He paused.. That was.. That was his Wolfsbane.

All the new energy left him, and tears found their way down his pale, scarred cheeks. Remus knew all was lost, he would not be safe this night. He quietly locked the door and put on some silencing spells. Then he let go. 

More and more tears fell on the ground, and with his exceptional hearing, he could hear them splat on the tiles below. Sobs racked his weakened body, shoulders shaking with them. His head was buried in his skin-over-bone hands. 

He looked up just once, and immediately regretted it. The full moon shone in its natural beautiful way through the closed window, though the curtains were open. 

Remus sighed, he knew what would happen. He tried to hold in his screams as the transformation began, though failed only a few broken bones in. He felt every single bone in his body regrow. His skin was being stretched, nails were growing into full claws, just like his teeth grew into fangs. Hair started sprouting out every pore of his body. His feet grew into paws, his ears grew so his hearing got even better, and his pupils changed so that he could see every tiny bit of movement. His nose extened to a snout, and he could smell the potion on the floor, he could still recognize Hermione's scent, even though she left minutes ago. As soon as the agonizing transformation was complete, the now werewolf let out a loud howl, warning everyone who came too close, even though there was a silencing charm put around the room.

\--

Remus woke up confused, and in a lot of pain. His hips were the last thing to turn back in place. The room was trashed. One of the windows was smashed, but had been too small for the werewolf to get out, fortunately. He noticed how desks and walls were scratched up, underneath him was a puddle of blood. Blood.. This can't be good. He took one look at himself as good as he could and almost threw up. He was still alive, unfortunately.

His arms were full of scratches, shards of glass still piercing his skin, blood was still pouring out. He felt blood trickle down his face, and knew that he'd have some more scars to add to the collection. He probably had to spend a few days in the hospital wing. But how could he explain that to the students, without them getting as suspicious as Hermione? 

First things first: get out of here. 

Lupin crawled as close to the floo network, crying out in pain as he dragged his body forward by his bloodied arms, and loudly called:

"Albus! Please help! Bring madam Pomfrey!" He couldn't add more, his already weak voice died away. Just a few seconds later, the headmaster came out of the fireplace, closely followed by the nurse. They saw Remus lying helplessly on the ground, a puddle of blood smeared out to where he had dragged himself, and raced towards him. Madam Pomfrey started healing his wounds as best as she could, the healing spells making his skin ache and throb. Remus fell unconscious before they had finished mending his wounds.

\-- 

Remus woke up again, his body incredibly sore and sleep clouding his mind. He noticed a person standing beside him and opened his eyes as much as he physically could.

"Oh, Remus, dear, finally! You were out cold for two days!" 

He heard the unmistaken voice of the school nurse, Madam Pomfrey. He felt rather flattered that she was worried about him, though it usually didn't mean well. And indeed, his body had taken quite the damage. 

"I can imagine that the-" she paused suddenly, taking a look around, checking to see if the other person in the hospital wing was still asleep. He was. Remus hadn't even noticed that there was somebody else here. He was concerned to see Harry there too, but did not have the energy to question it. 

"I can imagine that the wolf sensed his newfound freedom, Albus saw that your potion was spilled on the ground." She continued. With each word she moved her hands, tending to his wounds. Remus could see that she was slightly shaking. 

"Yes, I accidentally knocked it over. I'm sorry.." He said lowly, knowing it was his fault. He didn't want to tell her everything that caused it though. She looked at him apologetically.

"Please don't be sorry, nobody got hurt. Well, no one except yourself. This is the worst I've seen you in quite some time! I'm afraid you'll have to stay here for some time. I'm sorry Remus, but you look terrible." 

"Wow, thanks." Lupin mumbled sarcastically, though he knew that he looked at least as bad as he felt. He tried to lie down in another position, cracking his knees and every single finger in the process. He sighed, wincing at the pain shooting throughout his body.

"Try to get some rest, you need it."

The lycan just nodded and closed his eyes, drifting off into a restless sleep.

Remus awoke again, after a sleep plagued with nightmares. Nightmares of him killing his best friends while in werewolf form. Sirius betraying James and Lily to the Dark Lord, Peter and the innocent muggles being murdered by his former best friend. He feels absolutely terrible. Why did those innocent people have to lose their lives? Why couldn't it have been him, a literal beast? 

_I should have died. I should have died instead of James, instead of Lily, instead of Peter._   
_It should have been me._

Lupin shook his head, trying to get rid of the off-putting thoughts. He took a look at his hands, curled them so that he could look at his fingernails. They seemed quite sharp, definitely the sharpest thing around him at the moment. He fully realised that he was sinking back into his self-destructing habits, but he just could not help it. He let out a sob, hoping madam Pomfrey nor Harry heard him, then tucked in his knees as close to him as he could, wrapping his weak arms around them. He let his tears run down once more, letting them race down his cheeks. The first ones closely followed by the second ones, and more, and more, and more. More tears, more sobs. More panic. 

Remus freaked out, he couldn't breathe. The thoughts kept repeating themselves, getting louder and louder until they drowned out every rational thought in his mind. Maybe he'll choke to death. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't get air. He needed air, he need-

_He should have died. It should have been him._

Remus Lupin did the only thing he could think of.

He raised his arms so that they were on the level of his neck, and he scratched.

He started scratching his neck furiously with his sharp nails, hoping to get air, or to draw blood, or to die. He just wanted _something_ to happen. He wanted to breathe, he wanted to bleed. He wanted to die. 

It should have been him, and maybe now it will be him, he will die, he must die. He _must_.  
He kept on sobbing, crying, gasping for air, scratching the flesh off his neck. 

He didn't notice madam Pomfrey running towards him, grabbing his arms, begging him to stop. He also did not notice his best friend's son getting up from his bed and shakily making his way to him, looking worried.

The last thing he did notice was the school nurse force a sleeping potion down his throat. He noticed how the urge to scratch got less, and how she gained control of his hands. He noticed how Harry looked at him with such confusion and worry, having never seen this before. He noticed how he was still alive. It wasn't him, even though it should have been. He felt his body collapse backwards, the only thing keeping him from fully slipping were Pomfrey's hands grabing onto his aching arms, his head dropped onto the pillow below. Slowly his body followed, being steadily lowered by the nurse. 

  
Then he saw nothing.


	4. Quidditch Practice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N this chapter was written by FatherSon on Wattpad. Thank you so so much for helping me out, I really appreciate it! ❤️❤️

**4\. Quidditch Practice - HARRY**

Nervousness settling in the pit of his stomach, Harry felt the insides of his palm sweating, making it difficult to keep a firm grip on his broom.

"Now, team up," a voice came from behind, slightly startling Harry.

"We can do this!" Oliver Wood exclaimed in determination to the team circling around him, to which Harry managed a smile.

"You're flattering us," said George, a smirk playing on his lips, huffing in pride. That made the Gryffindor team roll their eyes, and a snort escaped Angelina Johnson, the chaser.

"No time fooling around, we need our full attention," Oliver said pointedly before glancing at Harry.

"Try to round the snitch as soon as you can. Don't let anything distract you."

Harry knew what Oliver was hinting on, but he made a mental promise to not leave the door open for the Slytherins -let alone Malfoy, his rival seeker- to put him off guard. Harry gave a curt nod, to which Oliver straightened himself and addressed his team once again.

"Ready?"

"Aye, Aye, Captain," the red-headed twins chorused in one cheerful tone.

Harry took a deep breath in and out, standing behind Oliver who was on the lead of the Gryffindor team.

Holding onto his broom, Harry moved his lips in determination: I can do this.  
At the sound of the whistle, they took off to the open sky with fascinating speed. The breeze of Autumn air flushed his cheeks and ruffled his already messy hair, driving it backward.

Harry took his place in the air, his alert eyes waiting for any sign of the golden snitch. Minutes ran out, while he had nothing in his hands but to just wait.

All the while, Harry still directed his ears to focus on the scoring: 30-20, Slytherin on the lead.

Squeals of cheers rang out from both stands of audience, but Harry had his eyes on the golden red crowd... empowering him to move forward.  
A broom flew past him with remarkable speed that almost knocked him backward. Regaining his balance, Harry glanced at its rider and saw Malfoy shooting him a smirk.

"Oops, alright there, scarhead?" Malfoy said, his tone booming in sarcasm.

Harry couldn't care less to respond, since at this moment, the snitch made a glorious appearance in mid-air between the two seekers.  
Hoping that Malfoy was still ignorant, Harry readied his broom and took off.

He wasn't that lucky, though, since Malfoy had just stormed behind him.The golden wings of the snitch played along the clouds, and Harry flew around in tow in a wave of circles. He extended his hand to the air, desperate for his fingers to hug the winged circle.

The pure sky echoed with enthusiastic cheers before a shade of darkness clouded over them.

Harry felt his hold on the broom loosen from the ice that had settled on it, out of nowhere. He tried to tighten his grip, but to no avail.  
The gloomy air encompassed him with severe coldness that he almost froze. For the first time ever, Harry couldn't direct his senses to focus on the golden snitch.

Even if he had the willpower to try, his vision was distorted from the lightening that filled up the grey sky, let alone the whistling echo of the thunder that abruptly shook him from the very core.

Ambition getting the better of him, Harry drove past the chaotic atmosphere, in search of the only hope to end this game.

But one thing caught his sight, making Harry gulp nervously with fear taking over him: a massive black dog standing out from the crowd... the presence of the Grim sent him a silent message that he was doomed to death.

It was as if the Grim was here for him, and him only.

Out of nowhere, darkness enwrapped his body and travelled all the way to his very soul, when a dark creature lurked behind his shoulder.  
Harry didn't bother to whirl around to see for himself, since he was positive he wouldn't make it alive.  
Instead, Harry gathered all his remaining strength and took off with lightening speed, leaving the dementor behind.

Before his mind could even register the waves of relief that sprung inside his heart, Harry felt his breath being forcefully taken away from his lungs.  
His mind lost in despair, Harry couldn't even think or feel anything.His eyes shone with raw horror, as soon as he found himself face-to-face with another hooked vicious being.

The dementor opened its mouth, longing for the kiss that would give it the hungry satisfaction of sucking the soul of its victim.

Forgetting what it felt like to be cheerful, Harry was bombarded with all of the dreadful memories that he had tried so hard to keep in the deepest part inside him.  
All at once, the saved moments he feared the most arose to the surface, hitting him like falling bricks one after the other.

Harry tried his best to hold on, as much as he could and for as long as possible... but to no avail.

His eyes rolled backward before snapping shut, and his grip loosened for the last time... leaving him with no alternative but to fall to his death from 150 feet high.

Swaying in rolling waves down the air, Harry felt his soul darken and he just couldn't do anything about it.

The last thing Harry was aware of, was the scream of a desperate woman who almost lost everything except of the one thing she was screaming for.  
The scream filled with agony was powerful enough to make him already feel dead, without having a flicker of hope in the world.

And just like that, Harry was taken over by blinding darkness and icy coldness.


	5. Discovery

**5\. Discovery - HARRY**

Harry Potter, the boy who lived, woke up in the hospital wing.

He took a good look around him, it was still as he remembered it: white, bright and quiet. Empty.

Except not quite.

On one of the beds, a few feet away from him lied another person, whom he recognized as his professor Lupin. Harry had been wondering where he'd been, professor Snape had taken over two of the D.A.D.A. lessons, while Lupin was supposedly 'ill'. And honestly, looking at him laying there, he did look ill. Extremely so.

The professor was even paler than normal, the scars on his face were almost transparent. They immediately caught the eye, as if he was seeing Lupin for the first time again. Lupin even seemed to have gained some. There were fresh wounds all over him, mostly deep scratch wounds, as if a giant animal had pierced his flesh with his razor like claws. Some even seemed to be still bleeding. Furthermore he also seemed to have lost some weight. He had always been skinny, but the hospital gown draped over him as if it was three sizes too big. Even from the distance between their beds, Harry could see the collarbones sharply sticking out. 

He certainly was worried for his professor, he did like him. Lupin was a great professor, kind and patient. If there was anyone who least deserves to be laying in the hospital wing with deep, infecting wounds, it's him. Harry would've much rather seen Snape lying around here. 

Harry knew he shouldn't be staring, but he couldn't help it. He saw Remus stir in his bed, trying to reposition. That did, however, fail. Madam Pomfrey came up to him when she saw him awakening. Harry quickly acted as if he was still asleep, turning on his least painful side - which luckily was with his face turned towards Lupin - so that he could follow the ongoing situation through half open eyes. 

"I can imagine that the-" the nurse paused, looking his way, and Harry quickly closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep. When she carried on speaking, he reopened his eyes.

"I can imagine that the wolf sensed his new found freedom-" 

Wolf? Freedom? 

"Albus saw that your potion was spilled on the ground." 

Harry had seen professor Lupin drink a potion before, when Snape came to bring it to him and told him to drink it as soon as possible. Maybe that's got something to do with the free wolf, Harry thought. 

"Yes, I accidentally knocked it over. I'm sorry," professor Lupin, to Harry, had always looked quite ashamed, but now.. He looked ready to disappear out of shame. 

"Please don't be sorry, nobody got hurt. Well, no one except yourself. This is the worst I've seen you in quite some time! I'm afraid you'll have to stay here for some time. I'm sorry Remus, but you look terrible." 

Harry hadn't been able to look at the professor well enough to notice any wounds up close, but he really looked terrible, even from where Harry himself was laying, he could see scratches, scars and fresh blood on Lupin's pale face.

The two adults mumbled some more to each other - Harry was unable to make out the words - and then professor Lupin tried to fall asleep, while madam Pomfrey went back to her office.

Harry saw his D.A.D.A. professor fall into a shallow, restless sleep, and decided to try to do the same, he suddenly was very sleepy after all.

\--

Harry woke up to the heartbreaking sound of a person sobbing.

He awoke just in time to see his professor's self destructing habit.   
Lupin raised his arms, curled his fingers, and took a good look at his fingernails. Then, to Harry's surprise, he started scratching his neck, looking like he wanted to tear off flesh. Harry's first thought was that there was an itch, but Lupin kept scratching until he drew blood, and still he kept scratching, while still bawling his eyes out.

Harry jumped up from his bed, at the same time that madam Pomfrey exited her office to take a look at what all the noise was. She was horrified. 

They instantly ran up to Remus, the woman taking his arms and talking to him, trying to calm him down, the boy reaching for a potion that the nurse asked him for. 

Harry helped madam Pomfrey to get Remus to swallow the potion, looking at how his professor came to rest. His throat was full of red marks, some were open and even bleeding. 

"Oh, Remus.." Whispered the nurse. "Harry, go back to your bed. I'm sorry you had to see this." 

Harry refused, "what just happened? Why did he do that?" 

"I'll explain some other time. Please, just go to bed now, Harry, goodnight." With that, Harry stomped off to his bed, extremely worried about his now peacefully sleeping professor. He surely was going to tell Hermione this, maybe she'll know why he did it. 

Harry felt his eyes close, despite his efforts to stay awake, and fell into a heavy sleep. 

\--

The next morning Harry awoke, groggily remembering the events from the day before. He turned to take a look at his professor, but stopped mid-movement because two people got his attention.

"Oh Harry! Finally you are awake!" Hermione said, enveloping Harry in an uncomfortable hug. "I brought you some chocolate!"

"Hope you'll feel better soon!" Added Ron, who seemed to be eyeing the chocolate more than Harry himself. 

Harry nodded, smiling at them. Then he remember professor Lupin. He quickly turned his head, finding his professor sound asleep with a single bandage around his neck. He felt relieved, Lupin was still alive. 

"Guys," Harry began, after having checked that no one else was around to listen to their conversation. "Professor Lupin is- or was- acting weird." 

His friends both gave him a curious and confused stare. 

"Yesterday he.. He just started scratching his neck open." Harry whispered, trying to get the words out as fast as possible, looking over to check on the still sleeping professor. 

"What? No, he would never do something like that!" Ron argued. 

"Is that why he has that bandage around his neck?" Hermione asked as she took a few cautious steps in Lupin's direction to get a closer look.

"I think so." Harry too sat up on his bed. Ron took place next to him. "He always looks so ill. I can't imagine what sickness can cause this." 

"You still don't know?" Hermione scoffed. "He's obviously -" 

Hermione's sentence got interrupted by a door opening. 

"Aah, Harry! How nice to see you awake. I hope you are feeling much better." The angelic voice of madam Pomfrey sounded through the hospital wing. 

"Yes, I do. But.. Can you tell me what's going on with professor Lupin?" 

"I'm afraid that's not my place to tell, Harry." She walked towards Remus' bed and started to check up on him. 

"But you said that you would tell me." 

"I know, but.." She paused and took a deep breath. "It's far deeper than that. It's not just one thing that causes this. I really can't explain, I'm sorry Harry. If you want to know, you'll have to ask him yourself." 

She started taking off all of Lupin's bandages, showing the numerous scars and wounds that were on his pale body. She then started replacing them as fast as possible, not wanting to let the kids see too much. She sighed and ran her hand through Lupin's greying hair, a sad smile on her face.

She turned towards him, "you're free to go Harry. But please, do be careful!" 

Harry nodded and left the hospital room with his friends, making sure to take his presents with him. Before he left however, he placed two chocolate frogs on Lupin's nightstand. He knew just how much his precious professor loved chocolate. He took one last good look at the ill man and left. 


	6. The Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To avoid any confusion, this is a flashback to Remus' time in Hogwarts.
> 
> WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS ATTEMPT AT SUICIDE.

**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS ATTEMPT AT SUICIDE.**

**6\. The letter - REMUS**   
  


' _Dear Marauders_ ' Remus started writing. Through his tears he could hardly see the words, his hands were shaking, the quill making wobbly lines on the parchment. Still, he decided that what he had written was not good enough. He knew he could never do justice to the love he felt for the three other boys.

' _Dear._.' He immediately scratched the word when his written _d_ looked more like a _p_. 

Remus sighed deeply. He was tired of life and just wanted it all to end. As much as he wanted to just get on with it, he knew he had to write this letter. He couldn't just leave his friends in the dark after all the pain he has caused by simply existing. 

He actually couldn't imagine anyone being sad with him gone. Maybe then Dumbledore could take that dangerous tree away. And with the werewolf gone as well, safety would be ensured again at Hogwarts.

' _Dear Sirius, James and Peter_ ,' he tried again, this time somewhat happy with what he wrote.

' _I will miss you_ ,' he continued with his small cursive hand writing. He just hoped that the others could read it. He could hardly see what he wrote with his tear-blurred sight.

 _'I can only hope that you will remember me as a good friend, and not as a dangerous werewolf. I am sick of being a monster, a danger to everyone around me.'_

He left some space for the following words. A wet sob wracked his body, tears staining the old parchment.

' _I love you.'_

Then, at the bottom of the page he wrote with a shaking hand,

' _I'm sorry_ '

Remus left it at that. More wasn't needed anyway. They would surely understand why he had done it. Why he had to. He gathered his quill and laid it down by the rest of his school utilities. He hid the parchment on his bed, and drew the curtains shut. Hopefully they would think that he's asleep and leave 'him' alone, even though he truly won't be there anymore by then. The boys were eating their dinner, classes were over. The full moon was yesterday so it was perfectly fine for Remus to be tired and not hungry, thus staying alone at their dorm. 

He sighed deeply, knowing that this might be his last day on this world. Unless.. Unless he's a coward and doesn't do it. And he's not a coward. He can take his own life. Remus left the dorm and went up to the astronomy tower. Once there, he took a sharp razor - one of Sirius' - out of his pocket, sighed again, and braced himself for the seething pain that would follow. 

He dragged the razor up his left arm, from elbow to wrist, cutting open skin and vein. Red blood soon followed. He started to cry, not just from the pain but also from the things he couldn't help but think. 

Is it really the right thing to do? Yes, it is, he assured himself. He's doing them all a favor this way.

Nobody wants to live with a disgusting, dangerous werewolf, who in his daily life was a closeted bisexual and way too nerdy. Antisocial, bad at potions. Anxious, weak, unloved, down right deserves to die. The lycan started sobbing harder, reminding himself of all his flaws.

 _Would Sirius care?_ He asks himself as he braced himself for another cut.

No, he wouldn't, and he dragged the razor down his right arm, this time from elbow to wrist. He already started feeling quite lightheaded. He had been quite dizzy before, from the transformation the day before, and by just looking at the amount of blood on the floor.. 

He came very close to throwing up, loudly retching though nothing came out. 

But he was ready for it. And he would do it. Otherwise it would just be another failure. Tears clouded his vision as he shakily lifted his leg to stand on the Astronomy's tower railing. He lifted himself fully on the railing using his shaking, bloodied hands. 

He looked down, the sight below filling him with anxiety. It was quite a fall.

_Then you'll be dead for sure._

Just as he was ready to jump, the door opened, and in came his friends.

"Remus!" James Potter yelled. He was clearly shocked to see his close friend about to take his own life.

"Rey, please no! Come down from there!" Sirius slowly started walking towards him.

"Get back! STAY WHERE YOU ARE!" Remus shouted through tears. He didn't know what to do. He wanted his friends to hug him and care for him and spoil him with their love.. Even though it was all played. He knew they wanted him to die as much as he wanted it himself. 

He didn't want to jump. But he didn't want to live either. 

In the time it took for Remus to get his thoughts together, Sirius had urged closer.

"Moony, please, I love you!" the black-haired boy sobbed, reaching out for Remus' hand, his leg, whatever he could grab to stop the other boy from jumping. 

Remus hadn't seen Sirius coming, and he sure experienced the consequences of his now not working wolf senses. It all happened so quickly. 

Moony fell backwards, his hands trying to grab sometimes as a reflex. The railing, the wall, Sirius' hand, anything. But he failed. And he fell, and fell still. He felt the air whipping around his face, felt the freedom of falling, he felt gravity pulling him down. He felt tears running down his cheeks. Would they stay floating at the speed that he's falling? 

He must have blacked out a time or two from pure fear.

And then.. He stopped. He stopped falling, mid-air. He saw his three friends with their wands raised, shouting whatever spell they knew to keep him afloat and get him back up. And it worked! Remus was slowly but surely being elevated back on top the astronomy tower. As soon as he was back, he felt three pair of arms envelop him in a tight hug. Peter released firstly, suggesting he'd go get professor McGonagall. The other agreed, not letting of Remus. Remus hadn't stopped crying, and soon Sirius joined him.

"Moony.. Oh, Rey.. Why-" he choked back a sob. 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.." All Remus could do was apologize. Apologize that he didn't die. 

"We love you so much, Remmy, please never..-" James paused abruptly, ended his hug and pushed Remus backwards softly, then looked him lovingly in the eyes. "Never do that again, mate." He ruffled the were's hair. Sirius also pulled back, turning Remus' head gently towards him and planted a short kiss on his chapped lips. 

"Let's get you cleaned up, dear. Peter should be here any moment with Minnie, let's get you down from here already.." 

Sirius and James both took a side and supported Remus, they half carried him back out their dorm and then out of the Gryffindor common room. Ignoring the other students' stares, they wanted to get the bleeding stopped as quickly as possible. They were just a few steps out of there when they came across a red-faced Peter and worried McGonagall. 

\--

Minerva McGonagall was just making her rounds around the castle, when a sturdy boy whom she knew as Peter Pettigrew came running up to her. Just as she was about to scold him for being up after curfew, the panting boy began to speak, obviously very distressed.

"Professor.. Remus- He.." He paused and tried to catch his breath. "Help!" 

She didn't need to hear more, just hearing the name alone was enough to make her on edge. She liked Lupin, a lot. He was secretely one of her favorite students. Studies hard, tries his best, helps others. He definitely didn't deserve the terrible fate he got when he was only four years old. 

Minerva followed Peter back towards the Gryffindor commonrooms and saw the three boys exit the common room. A hysterically sobbing Remus was being supported by his best mates as he kept losing blood by the second.

She saw her precious student with bleeding arms, sobbing his heart out, pale as death. He was surrounded by his two friends, and that she was happy about. Potter and Black might not be the most well behaved students, they clearly did know when a friend needed help or comfort. 

McGonagall softly pushed James and Sirius off the crying boy, lifting his head with a finger under his chin.

"Oh, dear.." She sighed, taking in the skinny boy's body. His arms were still bleeding and his hands and torso were also covered in blood. The red liquid did not for a moment stop streaming out of the wounds. She was a hundred percent sure that they would scar, they were made by a werewolf after all, even if he did it to himself. Minerva quickly sent her patronus out to warn the school nurse of their arrival.

"Let's get you to the hospital wing, can you walk?" 

"I'm not sure.." Remus' voice was thick and raw from crying and pure shock because of what he'd done. James and Sirius immediately went up to Remus' side, each at a shoulder, and helped him stand and walked with him to the hospital wing, Peter and McGonagall close behind.

Once arrived at the hospital wing, madam Pomfrey was already waiting anxiously, having heard the news from McGonagalls patronus. She hastily ran towards the bleeding boy and took him in her arms, directing him to one of her beds. Then, she rushed to get bandages, and magically bandaged up the wounds to make it go faster. She didn't want to lose her favorite student after all.

Later, the nurse shooed out the worried people still in the room. Remus needed rest, she'd said.

\--

It only took minutes, though it seemed like hours until the school nurse opened the hospital wing doors and came outside. Sirius nervously ran a hand through his shoulder length black hair, anxiously waiting for madam Pomfrey to say something, anything at all. As long as it was good news. 

Fortune was not on Sirius' side today. 

Madam Pomfrey opened her mouth, everyone held their breath. She sighed, looked at everyone's worried faces and then said: 

"I'm afraid he might not make it. He lost.." She chocked back her tears. She could not cry. "he lost too much blood." 

She blinked her eyes rapidly, trying to get rid of the tears, failing, then turning around and quickly walking back into the hospital wing to tend to the young lycan, leaving the shocked others behind.


	7. Betrayal

**7\. Betrayal (REMUS)**

Remus woke up. He ached all over. Dried blood was under his fingernails, dried blood pulled at the skin on his bandaged neck. It took him a second to remember what had happened. He looked around him, still a bit disorientated, seemingly the hospital wing was empty. 

His gaze fell on a few chocolate frogs on his bedside table. He didn't know who placed them there but thanked the qthoughtful person gratefully while eating them. He took the book that laid next to the now empty wrappers and started reading. He had nothing better to do anyways. Reading always calmed him down. It allowed him to escape from his world, his pain. He could forget about himself for a little while.  
  


The book was about a Jewish muggle girl in the Second Muggle World War. She had to hide with her family, because those of her kind were being killed for no reason at all. He couldn't help but compare the story with his own. He too has to hide who - or what - he really was. People looked down on him, said he was inferior. He was just lucky to not have to show everyone what he was. Not yet, anyways. He had heard the Ministry was debating putting a werewolf registry into place.

All he hoped for was to not get caught at the end. Then everything would be for nothing. It would be easier to decide for himself when 'the end' should be. 

Madam Pomfrey walked up to Remus as soon as she saw that he was awake.

"Remus," she started, "are you feeling better?" Her eyes were wide with worry as she readjusted the bandages, her smile non-existent.

"A bit." He said, discarding the pounding headache and itching wounds. "Am I well enough to teach again?" All he felt was shame. What if someone saw him last night? Why couldn't he control himself? The students would laugh at him for sure. But he definitely didn't want to leave them longer than necessary in the hands of Snape. Maybe his secret was out. Perhaps they all already knew what he was, what he hid. 

"I would like to keep you here for another night, just for safety precautions." 

"No.. No, please, I need-" He retorted, desperate to get out of there.

"You need rest, boy, that's what you need. Sleep, and tomorrow you'll be able to leave." She allowed no protest, leaving him without another word. 

Remus did as he was told, knowing not to try and argue. Madam Pomfrey always knew what was best for her patients.

\---

It was a day later, and Harry, Hermione and Ron were again at the Defense Against the Dark Arts class, still being taught by Snape. They all hoped that Lupin would be back soon. The state of him was still on Harry's mind, and he had been thinking about it all day long. 

"Potter!" Snape's irritating voice sent him back to reality. "Not paying attention I see? Maybe you get good grades with _Lupin_ ," he sneered, and pronounced Lupin's name with such hate, "But for me your work isn't even worth a [P](https://www.hp-lexicon.org/thing/grades-at-hogwarts/)." 

Draco and his mates laughed, and even Snape showed a bit of his yellow teeth. Harry looked down, grinding his teeth, desperately hoping that dear Professor Lupin would be back soon. 

Today's lesson was about werewolves, just like the previous one with Snape. Snape made his thoughts on werewolves clear, speaking about them with audible disgust in his voice, a sneer constantly on his face. Hermione was eager to correct Snape on some exaggerated information the professor gave, though she learned to keep quiet after he called her out over it, insulting her in a way that brought tears to her eyes.

Professor Snape gave yet another assignment, this time on how to kill a werewolf. 

"Now," Snape began. "We will end the lesson early," all students cheered.

"To discuss werewolves." He continued slowly, getting less enthusiastic responses from the students this time. Hermione seemed shocked, she realised the message Snape was trying to get across. 

"I don't know if you've heard, but rumor goes that there is a werewolf at the school." Shocked responses from the pupils ensued, Hermione swallowed loudly, and Harry wondered if she knew something more than the others.

"And I know who it is!" Snape said, and looked proudly around him, uncharacteristically enthusiastic. "I'll describe the beast in human form, and you guess." The look in his eyes was more evil than ever before. The students were all on the edge of their seats, except for Hermione. Hermione sighed. If Lupin's secret got out, he would be sent away from school and she doubted that he would survive for a long time with the limited money that he had. She raised her hand in an attempt to stop Snape's line of speech, though she was promptly ignored.

"The beast is male, and.." Before Snape could continue, the heavy door of the classroom opened. Lupin walked in. Limping, in pain, but he walked. 

"I don't know what you are doing, Severus, but I am sure it has nothing to do with the lesson." He said, voice hoarse. He walked slowly, in between rows of students to the front. Harry smiled proudly at his professor, whom he had so much respect for. 

"Quite the opposite, Lupin, I was teaching them about werewolves. And before you came in and disturbed my lesson, we were talking about a certain werewolf as well." Lupin paled, but did not show how distressed he was.

"Oh, but they are not meant to see werewolves until the last few weeks of the year."

"Too bad." Snape spat. "Now, Lupin, you look terrible. Why don't you go back to your bed and _I'll_ finish the lesson." Snape took a defensive stance and did everything he verbally could to keep Lupin from taking his place. Lupin ignored his rival, resolutely taking back his place behind the teacher's desk.

"That won't be needed, Severus, I feel fine." 

Harry admired Lupin's calmness. He himself would have engaged in a shouting fight with the greasy git already, Snape finally gave way and left the classroom, but not before shooting Lupin another dirty look. Hermione let go of the breath she did not know she had been holding. Lupin's reputation was saved, but for how long?

"Now, dear students, I take it professor Snape gave you another assignment?" 

They nodded.

"You don't have to do it." He said, shaking his head. "However, I do want you to write a short assignment on how to recognize a pixie. It really doesn't have to be long, one roll of parchment is more than enough." 

The students, happy that they don't have to do the five-paged werewolf assignment, cheered. The Slytherins however were still a bit salty that they still have to do something else, and something way more boring instead. They mumbled among themselves. Harry could hear snippets like " _Snape's lessons are way cooler_ ", or " _Lupin's teaching methods are even more boring than divination_ ". But Harry didn't care. He was just happy to see his dear professor alive and well.

Lupin taught for the remainder of the lesson. It was great to have him back. He looked a bit in pain though, couldn't stand on his feet for long periods of time. The professor winced whenever he moved too quicly, but he included the pupils in his lesson, asked them questions about what they already knew about pixies, and allowed them to help him with catching one. 

"Next time I'll show you a few more," Lupin promised. "It's a shame there's not much time left, or I would have shown them today. Their behaviour is fascinating when in groups." With that said, the lesson was over. The students went their way to their next subject, chatting happily.

Lupin was left alone in his classroom and sighed deeply. Once he had limped all the way back to his private room, he fell asleep and did not wake until the very next day.


End file.
